Fat Bike Girl’s Guide to Quarantine

10 Random Diversions

 

My 15 year-old son said this post is “so cringy.”

 

For almost a month I have been quarantined from everyone including my kids and my partner. It’s been hard. I miss hugs.

I am a member of the high-risk club due to my low white blood cell count. This means that I am one of the 20% of the population that could end up in the hospital if I contract coronavirus. As a result, I have been very conscientious about sheltering in place and physical distancing.

All this “me” time has left me pondering some deep and meaningful thoughts. But I won’t bore you.

Also, I’m not going to recommend reinventing yourself or re-grouting your bathtub. Both tasks are overrated. Besides, we are human beings not human doings.

Below are just a few things that I hope will make you smile. Please don’t judge me. I threw in some crudeness for good measure.

 

 

1. FAT BIKE CHICK FLICK

Watch Blue, a fat bike chick flick. It’s rad. From the Valdez Adventure Alliance: “A dreamy dive into the steep mountains, glaciers, and rivers of Valdez with a crew of boundary-pushing female fat bike athletes from Alaska and beyond.”

Way to go ladies!

 

 

2. FUNNY BOOK

Read David Sedaris’ new book Calypso. It’s bawdy, not politically correct, and freakin’ hilarious.

 Calypso

 

3. HYGIENE FUN

Motivate to shower by using up all those hair products that didn’t work out. Today I over-conditioned with coconut oil that smells yummy but makes my hair look like Severus Snape’s. But in a few more weeks I’ll be rid of all my half-filled bottles of mousse and gel.

‘Class, I’d like you to make a pina colada potion.’ R.I.P. Alan Rickman, you were my favorite character.

4. REBEL YELL. More, more, more.

Play concerts on your TV for background noise and company. Or to drown out the noise of your rowdy children.

One of my all-time favorites is Ocean (live at Red Rocks) by John Butler. It’s best on the big screen. John Butler says it’s the ever-changing song of his life. It conveys all of the things he “can’t put into words. Life, loss, love, spirit. As I evolve so too does ‘Ocean.“

Do you sometimes wonder what would be the ever-changing song of your life?

I did not see John Butler at Red Rocks but I saw Billy Idol. Somewhere I have a Billy Idol pin and it’s probably worth a fortune. I should sell it on e-bay because someone will most certainly want it for their 15 pieces of flair.

Remember these?

5. COWBOY UP WITH CAPTAIN PICARD

 

Continuing with the music theme, check out Patrick Stewart’s Cowboy Classics. It could be part of your new cycling playlist.

Sometimes it takes an Englishman to teach us what’s great about being an American. ~ Patrick Stewart’s Cowboy Classics

I love this man for so many reasons. Suffice it to say that I fairly swoon when he sings “Don’t Fence Me In.” Make your quarantine mixed tape by adding a song a day. Ask your family to contribute.

 

6. DANCE PARTY IN THE KITCHEN

Dance in the kitchen to Rock Lobster by the B-52’s and and really DO the down part. If you do it right by kicking your legs wildly in the air while lying on your back, your kids will be sufficiently mortified. Or maybe they’ll join in!

Score double points by using extra hair product before dancing around.

I searched for an ’80’s big-hair shot of me and found this. I don’t know what a “rock lobster” is but this picture was taken when I lived in Connecticut, age 19. My boyfriend at the time worked on a lobster boat.

7. TATER TOTS, FRIENDS and WINE

Put a bag of frozen tater tots in the oven, pour yourself a glass of wine and group video call your closest girlfriends from college.

 

8. IT AIN’T THE TAINT

Look up the slang word ‘taint’ because you heard it somewhere. Then video call your best friend to ask her if she knows what it means. When she doesn’t, tell her and then make a game of naming body parts that ‘ain’t the taint.’

I always think I’m am the most naive when it comes to items of this sort so I was relieved when my BFF was also behind the ball, so to speak.

 

9. MORE HYGIENE FUN

Take a bath in the middle of the day. If you have small children, plug them into a movie, lock your bathroom door and turn on the fan. Not sure why I’m giving advice here. You moms know what you need to do. Bring your tater tots and wine with you.

 

10. DO WHAT YOU LOVE

Skip down the street. Practice your whirling dervish. Listen to the birds. Lay on a blanket and look at the clouds. Look at the stars. For your next work video conference put on the blue eyeshadow that you should have thrown out in the 8th grade. Go ride yo’ bike.

Fat bike girl and Studd Pyles practicing safe cycling and gravel grinding near Lander, Wyoming.

Be well my friends and happy trails!

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